the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
