her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
