$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
