My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
