Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
i was born a porn star she said
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Randomize
