Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Randomize
