This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
