I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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