I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
Randomize
