if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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