Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
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