new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
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