Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
Randomize
