If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
