Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
