Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
Randomize
