fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
