He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
Randomize
