I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
Dude manswers just said that a guy can only cum up to eight times in one day. I'm gonna prove that show wrong.
ha well at least you have goals.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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