I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
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