We won't sleep together?
tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
It was confusing and full of hummus
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
i think i just lost a toe
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
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