So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
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