hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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