My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
