My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Randomize
