fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
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