nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
you win again, gameday.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
