she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Randomize
