this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Randomize
