It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Randomize
