you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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