It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
Randomize
