I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
