too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
