I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
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