last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
her facebook's as public as her vagina
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
Randomize
