I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Randomize
