Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
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