before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
I smell stomach acid.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
Randomize
