she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
Randomize
