to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
there is glitter all over my balls
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