Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
Randomize
