I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
Randomize
