I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize
