It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
