I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Randomize
