so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
