I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
