Your face is a jimmy john
Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
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