I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
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