ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
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